Alchemizing Shame by Fasting in the Forest
/Do you ever hide parts of yourself in order to be liked, accepted or to please others?
For ten years I've had the dream of leaving my life behind.
For ten years I've had the dream of escaping into the forest without a phone to ask “why am I here in this crazy world?” and to listen - patiently and without distraction.
This week, my dream is coming true as I head on pilgrimage into an ancient forest high in the White Mountains of Sequoia, home to trees that are among the oldest living beings on earth.
For 9 days I will sit in ceremony with 9 other brave women - hearing my prayers mirrored in the song of their heart's longing, passion, grief and fears.
After the first three days, we will don our backpacks and head in opposite directions to fast alone for three days without a tent, to bow in humility at the feet of teachers who embody what it is to be fully comfortable with exactly who you are - sunset, sunrise, Black Tailed Deer, Kingsnake, White Fir, river and rain cloud.
To listen.
In junior high, high school and college I also fasted.
But I fasted because I hated myself.
I fasted to be more pure, more worthy, more pleasing to others. I wanted to become smaller and smaller until I simply… disappeared.
I hid behind accomplishments, a forced smile and the mask of the 'good girl.'
The only reason I’m alive today is because the forest found me..
This is what the forest taught me + told me to tell you…
It is not your job to make people feel comfortable.
It is your job to authentically express as the obscure wildflower that you are in all of your radiant colors -
even when it makes other people feel uncomfortable.
Your body is as sacred, tender and fleeting as the thin skin of a poppy
Every part of you is precious
You are full of medicine waiting to be remembered
When you stop hiding behind the mask of busyness and “not good enough” - only then can this world truly heal
This week, I fast because I love myself.
I fast because I love the mystery,
I fast because I am one in a long line of medicine people here to honor the land and heal her people,
I fast because I love the precious body of the forest that is disappearing each day under the dizzying pace of modern 'busyness.'
I fast to let fall away any last vestiges of shapeshifting to be more acceptable,
To let fall away any lingering sense that I'm not good enough,
To let fall away the lie that there is any part of me and my aging body that I need to hide in order to make others feel comfortable.
This week, I ask that you join me for even a brief walk in the forest, the desert, the park near your home. If you can, leave your phone at home or in the car.
Then sit with a tree and ask “why am I here in this crazy world?" and simply listen - patiently and without distraction.
The forest is waiting to remind you who you are.
Please, let me know how it goes.